There are times as a writer when you know that with every word you type you’ll be making someone, somewhere very unhappy. Quite honestly this can be a lot of fun, especially when you set your sights on an entire fanbase. So without further ado, 5 of the best reasons to dislike Harry Potter.
1) “But if you’d read the book first!”
The number one excuse to any Potter criticism of weak characterization, rushed scenes and a general feeling of boredom is that I should have previously sat down and churned my way through 7 novels at over 400 pages each. My response. Fuck You! Why should I have to do homework before I watch a movie? It wasn’t necessary for me to read Mein Kampf before appreciating Downfall. I didn’t need to move to New York, offer people lifts and hang around with child prostitutes to see that Taxi Driver is a work of art. A good film should speak for itself. Teach you something you didn’t know. Not demand prior reading.
2) “Originality is so unorignal”
During the first half of the seventh instalment Harry, Han and Leia (sorry Ron and Hymen-E) try to destroy a piece of jewelry that will prevent the dark master becoming powerful. The problem is this piece of neck furniture wealds a mysterious power over its bearer making them angry and moody. Now no-one is trying to claim that either LOTR or Star Wars were particularly mould-making but they got there first. Rip people off by all means. Just hide it better.
3) “I’m a grown adult!”
Okay this isn’t strictly true. I sleep next to a teddy bear I’ve had since my first christmas and on my bedside table is a Wall-E toy I activate on a daily basis and giggle so hard that wee comes out of my tiny, pubeless penis. But, nevertheless, this man is grown up and he says it better than I can.
4) “Who’s that? What’s his name? Why’s he doing that?”
Again this is down to my inability (and lack of desire) to read the books but I’m as lost as Lord Lucan trying to follow the films. That French lass from In Bruges, wasn’t Harry trying to knob her. Now she’s with the oldest ginger one? I don’t even remember there being a fourth ginger one? What happened to the Chinese girl? Where the balls did John Hurt come from? He wasn’t in the last 5 films! Oh he was a shopkeeper in the first one was he. Integral character then. Having to sit through a Potter turns me into my nan attempting to watch The Wire.
5) “He-who-must-not-be-named likes it”
Yes that’s right Potter has even invaded the Houses of Parliment. During PMQ’s this week, the real dark lord, David Cameron was asked about Harry to which the Etonian plumsack replied, “The UK Film industry should make more films like Harry Potter that people want to see”. So much for film as art then. Now I can’t categorically state that the leader of this country asphyxi-wanks to the wizard series with a wand up his arse, but I will say the Tory party do have form…
That should hopefully have offended enough people. I must however make it clear that this criticism is levelled wholly at the films. I have not, and may never, read the books. You can have them. Just don’t fill up my local 14 screen cinema with 9 films of the fuckers. Let the hatred begin below.
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For me its
1) The kids and their distinctly average acting. They’e probably about as good as any of the cast of Kidulthood or something, but these guys have the unfortunate circumstance of sharing the screen with some veterans of the field, which makes them look all the more amateur.
2) The aforementioned veterans feel like they are really phoning it in, as if it’s a Christmas panto. The fact that these films are gonna make them megabucks regardless of the quality can’t be much of a motivator to bring their A game.
3)Daniel Radcliffe is one day older than me, yet infinitely richer than I can ever hope to be. It’s a petty qualm, but this angers me all the same. Anyone else think the kid from Kick-Ass/Nowhere Boy might’ve been better?
Comment by TonyRockyHorror — December 1, 2010 @ 7:37 pm