ThisFilmIsOn

Before popping along to my local multiplex yesterday I considered myself somewhat of a liberal. Okay, “somewhat of a liberal” may be pushing it a bit as normally I espouse the kind of socialist hippy bullshit that would make Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels blush, but I would have placed me in the gay-loving, jew-humping, rights for all, equalitist section of your local library.

Two and a half hours after watching some spoilt, shopoholic American whores moan that their lives aren’t quite perfect enough and I’ve been turned into a homo-phobic, misogynistic anti-semite (and I also hate the Irish too). The new ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ could site this movie as inspiration for his actions and there isn’t a jury in the land that would convict.

The plot (for what it’s worth) is as follows. Carrie (Sarah “And Matthew, why is a transvestite donkey witch standing next to you and why is it wearing a dress?” Jessica Parker) has the life she’s always wanted with her husband, Mr Big, but he occasionally likes to watch TV. This upsets her.

Yeah that’s about it. So fuck it, instead of writing a review for the people that hate it to agree with, and those who love it to cry about, let’s try a different tack. Here’s an alternative Sex and The City story based, in some part, on the new movie.

Sex and the City – Alt. Version

Carrie, the most unreasonable women in modern cinema, is upset with her husband for desiring to be something other than arm candy for his spouse at public events. New mother Charlotte is having a full-blown nervous breakdown as her nanny has left her alone to look after her children for more than two minutes. Miranda, the ginger one, is shopping around for a penis to put up her cuckholded husband’s back vagina. Samantha is sucking a lot of cock. Oh that Samantha.

The four unpleasant hell beasts decide to go to the Middle East, despite this being the most insane idea in the world ever. Whilst there they patronisingly look at poor people while simultaneously whingeing about their lives. They also make lots of racist remarks and do lots of things to offend other people’s culture until eventually the cockoholic Samantha tries to fuck someone on a beach. Banished from Abu Dhabi the pointless atoms must reach the airport in time or they may have to fly coach. This is filmed with the kind of dramatic tension not seen since the shower-scene in Schinder’s List.

As you’re reading this you may be thinking fucking hell that’s all a bit much SATC isn’t that bad. Owen your imagination has run away with you. Actually apart from the ‘cock up the back vagina bit’ I haven’t changed a bit of the plot yet. That is actually the first 2 hours of the film. And I haven’t even mentioned the bit where our four non-Muslim protagonists don Burkhas to get out of a tight spot. Fingers crossed that in SATC3 they’ll piss off to a jungle and ‘black up’. I wonder if there’ll be an outcry over that?

Big, the only half tolerable character, senses a way out finally and travels to meet Carrie. Taking her on a trip to buy some camels he swaps her (literally swaps her) for another camel and meets back up with everyone pretending the camel is still his wife. Nobody notices. Meanwhile Samantha is being stoned to death for breaking the law of the land but the impact of the rocks has no effect on her leathery skin. Fortunately she succombs to her many diseases and her asshole falls out.

Back in the US, Charlotte has been arrested for trying to drown her children in the bath tub after they spilt some milk on a dress. The ginger one’s husband having been so emasculated over the years rips of his own cock and chokes his wife with it. The police arrive too late.

Big and the Camel Carrie have a blissfully happy new life together and even though the animal has no opposable thumbs she manages to create literature a thousand times better than the late Ms Bradshaw, who has subsequently been eaten by the other camels.

THE END