If, like me, you find trying to live a normal, functioning life impossible without the education of movies then join thisfilmison with our new ‘Guide’ segment. To help you live the life you’ve always dreamed of we’ll scour the film universe in order to pick up do’s and do not’s essential to fulfilling that fantasy silver screen life.
This week, in honour of Date Night, the new Steve Carell and Tina Fey comedy (read a full review here) we’re looking at all things woo related, or if you’re in your 70′s the world of courting.
Do pick the right location
Films and food (or Cinema and Nandos if you’ve ever been on a date with yours truly) are the way forward. The movie gives you something to chat about and a nice meal is a great way of breaking the ice. The film choice shouldn’t be too geeky or anything too lovely dovey. Above all though, whatever you do, don’t pick porn.
When Betsy inexplicably says yes to the choice of a date with Travis, the sociopathic goon thinks that a sexy movie is the perfect location. She retorts “Taking me to a place like this is about as exciting as saying to me let’s fuck.” Even worse it’s not even good porn. Who wants to see sperm and eggs when they’re jacking off?
Do watch your language
Even if you’ve already slept together and she’s up the duff. It’s just not romantic. When Ben is informed of his impending fatherdom in Knocked Up the first thing he does is tell Alison to ‘Fuck Off’. Bad move Ben. Also arguing about the use (or not) of profilacticts isn’t first date material.
Do show off your junk
No not your penis, unless of course she liked the porn movie you took her too, I’m talking about the collective waste you’ve built up over your life, the tat that defines you as a person, the things that you hope she’ll see and immediately equate with you being a cool guy.
Wall-E may have some cute eyes on him but how is he gonna snag a hot piece of robot tail like EVE? That’s right wait for a sandstorm and force her to hide out at his place. Once there Wall-E wows EVE with bubble wrap, rubiks cubes, light bulbs and musicals featuring that bloke from Some Mother’s Do ‘Ave Em. Good work Wall-E, good work!
Do be cool
In the movie land people always have something to hide, the same can be said of the real world. Okay you might not be quite as cool as Johnny Depp in Public Enemies and be able to brag about robbing banks but a certian level of openness goes a long way.
If you can manage a line like “I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars, whiskey, and you… what else you need to know?” you’re certain to gain date number two. If you look like Johnny Depp, however, you could shit in her soup and she’d still ask you in for coffee.
Don’t get too drunk
Even if you’re still pining for an ex-love (which means you shouldn’t really be dating anyway) there’s no need to try and ape Oliver Reed. It’s only gonna end badly. When Summer chucks Tom in (500) Days Of Summer the lovelorn fool thinks that taking Alison on a date might help him get over her.
What follows this charming exchange is some bad, bad, bad karaoke, a one-way ticket to deleted numbersville and a hangover unlikely to go away for months. You have been warned.
Any movies dates you think should be included? What do’s and don’t has the film world taught you when it comes to snagging the one? Comments wanted!
