It’s not often that I’d do this, in fact it’s never passed from my frontal lobe, to my lips, to my keyboard before, but I’d like you all to read The Daily Mail. Not the whole thing, that would be insane, but one particular piece; Namely Christopher Tookey’s Kick Ass review.
The link is ‘here’.
As the comments section seems to have been removed from the Daily Mail site, I think it’s only fair that we open one up here. I’ll get us started shall I?
The following includes foul and abusive language and images of a sexual nature. But he really fucking deserves it.
For those who don’t know him, Christopher Tookey is a film critic for The Daily Mail. Now obviously this puts him just below people who sleep with my ex-girlfriends and David Cameron on my Christmas card list. (If David Cameron ever sleeps with one of my exes, I’m gonna be really unhappy). But I was raised well and believe everyone should get a chance to say their piece, however abhorrent I may find their views.
But if there’s one thing guaranteed to infuriate me to the level of calling someone a cunt-hole, it’s people blaming movies for everything from violent crime to teen pregnancy. Christopher Tookey is such a person.
Continuing the Mail‘s bombastic fear-mongering on youths and weaponry Tookey boldy claims “it (Kick Ass) deliberately glorifies knife crime”. If you’ll allow me to quote Mr. Scroobious Pip for a second, “Knife crime, knife crime it ain’t about knives.” If Mr. Tookey would like this explained to him on a more basic level he can join me in a room where I’m armed solely with a frying pan and a rusty spoon.
Whereas he describes Harry Brown as a ‘guilty pleasure’, (Yes CT you should feel guilty for sticking a copy of The Guardian up your backside whilst furiously wanking to the images of children being maimed by an OAP) Kick Ass is “cynical and shamelessly irresponsible”. The fact that one tries to be as pseudo-docmentary as possible, the other as glossy and cinematic as you could hope for doesn’t occur to a man who’s main goal in life is to make housewives froth at the mouth. Whereas i like to make them froth at the…well, moving on…
He treats his readers with the kind of contempt that would make any rational human being (luckily he writes for the Mail) stand up and shout for independence of the mind, heavily using sentences like “Don’t Let Them Fool YOU!” as if you don’t know any better. His humour extends to phrases like “hence my arguably overgenerous award of one star”, which he probably reads back to himself over and over again, soiling himself with laughter at his own words (we have that particular trait in common at least…).
The attention that he gives ‘Hit Girl’ for her “overly sexualised/Paedophile enticing” look says way more about Christopher than it does about anyone who enjoys Kick Ass for what it is. This level of hysteria does make me wonder whether or not Mr. Tookey spends his afternoons masterbating to CBBC and his evenings praying for remorse. “Look God, I chastised it in print! Please Forgive Me!”
Am I surprised at the Facist Rags perverse ‘take’ on this film? Not really. What I am though, is fucking appaled that he’d actually type this sentence to back up his argument; “Do we really want to live, for instance, in a culture when the torture and killing of a James Bulger or Damilola Taylor is re-enacted by child actors for laughs?”
Fuck you, you oportunistic, right-wing, cunt-hole. How fucking dare you?
The fault, dear Christopher, lies not in ourselves but in you. This scared, sheltered existence you live, or at the least encourage with your fear-mongering and rhetoric, will not stop me enjoying my life. I will walk the streets not in fear but with a smile. I will enjoy my movies violent and stupid. And if I ever see you, I’m gonna kick your fucking ass!