ThisFilmIsOn

Despite being born three years before Robert Pattinson, buried deep within my genetic coding, laying dormant until 2005 when I slept through the lion share of Harry Potter 4, is a hatred to rival any other. Having said that, I was determined to approach Remember Mewith an objective stance and give R-Pats an opportunity to prove me wrong. After all, director Allen Coulter is the HBO stalwart responsible for various episodes of Nurse Jackie, Six Feet Under, Sex and the City and most importantly The Sopranos. Sadly Coulter’s feature follow up to Hollywoodland is the cinematic equivalent of being punched in the crotch only to find out that you’ve already been castrated. Although it’s not as painful as you might first expect, the real issues are is in fact greater than you initially imagined.

In a fashion all to familiar in teen angst dramas Remember Me sees Pattinson dust off his broody glower once again as pretentious, emo twenty something student Tyler Hawkins. After a late night run in with a New York City Cop (They aint too smart), Hawkins ends up dating the cops daughter, played by Lost’s Emilie de Ravin. What follows is two hours of laborious exposition as the two leads trade family tragedies like top-trumps and whilst I assume there’s supposed to be an element of romantic love involved any evidence of this is shunned in favour of repeated shots of Pattinson trying (and failing) to make smoking look cool.

Wait, what’s that sound? It’s the sound of a million Twihards tearing open the packaging of their ‘Limited Edition, Prop Replica, Cullen Family Knifes’ in preparation for my lynching. But fear not my vamp loving friends for ‘Edward’ does everything you’ve been hoping he would. Broods, takes his shirt off, has a tantrum, broods some more. Unsurprisingly that is all he does. Whoever’s idea it was to market Pattinson as a 21^stCentury James Dean forgot two things, talent and charisma. Whilst the most inherent flaws lie arguably more in character than performance Pattinson lacks the necessary skills to elevate Tyler above anything more than a self indulgent adolescent with Daddy issues.  Subsequently this then infringes on all the relationships forged within the movie. Whilst de Ravin has more to do than in her past on screen ventures (Hills Have Eyes, Brick, Public Enemiesetc) the relationship between the two leads plays out like a feature long tete-a –tete between Dawson and Joey.

Whilst Pierce Brosnan and Lena Olin do their best with what little they are given the biggest mystery is the casting of Academy Award Winner Chris Cooper. As de Ravin’s widowed father Cooper is made to fist fight through his three notable scenes affording him zero opportunity to bring depth to yet another clichéd melodrama character trope, the big drinking, embittered New York cop.

If the film does have a positive it’s is probably in its visuals. The contrasting depictions of NYC are nicely put together in what I can only assume is an attempt to distract viewers from the average action taking place within the frame.

And, just when you thought your levels of disappointment couldn’t sink any lower the film delivers a not so subtle ‘twist’ ending that feels like a cheap shot. It feels like a cheap shot because that’s exactly what it is, playing on our collective memories in order to grind out some resemblance of sadness which up until the film’s final two minutes had only been notable by its absence. As a result Remember Me is ironically enough, instantly forgettable.