If, like me, you spent your formative years crawling up and down your horizontal living room floor as if it was a vertical wall situated somewhere along the New York skyline then this is no doubt a subject about which you will have spent substantial hours pondering. If on the other hand you are only now discovering the somewhat delusional feelings of inadequacy that come with reading too many comic books then this article could be viewed as a type of careers advice.
The term Superhero tends to be banded around fairly liberally but it is actually, upon closer inspection, an all encompassing moniker which is often used indiscriminately to identify do-gooders of all shapes and sizes. In honour of Kick-Ass and its misguided protagonist, Dave Lizewski I will now chart five sure fire ways to garner some moral superiority of your own.
If there is an archetype with which we find comfortable familiarity it is most probably that of the Accidental Hero. Many men, Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, Matt Murdock included, have all fallen foul of horrendous Health and Safety oversights but whilst the majority of us end up with a plaster cast and a business card for claims direct these fellows tend to wake up with something a little more practical. Whether you wake up with spider senses, super hearing or a big green physical manifestation of your own Id it is important to remember that “With great power comes… financial ruin and girl trouble.” Yes, sadly those individuals who have greatness thrust upon them often struggle to cope with their new found power causing them to be, above all else whiney emo shits.
If this option seems to be the most appealing to you then you may want to jump over to the Easy Jet website to check out cheap flights to the Ukraine.
Real Life Example: Alexander Litvinenko
– Sadly for the deceased Russian spy playing with radioactive isotopes isn’t an exact science. Or maybe it is, I don’t know.
Vigilante Crime Fighter
Lying at the more sociopathic end of the hero spectrum is the category often referred to as Vigilante Crime Fighters. Whilst donning an eye mask and happy slapping the shit out of some hoodies may seem like a productive way to spend a Friday night it does seem to take a special kind of person to join this band of misfits. It would seem that the impetus to dress up as a glorified gimp stems from some kind of horrific past trauma. Both Bruce Wayne and Frank Castle had to witness the brutal murder of their respective families before they found their own judiciary form of blood lust.
Therefore, unless you are planning on deliberately placing your loved ones in potentially lethal situations you may want to select a different career path.
Real Life Example: Tony Martin
– Norfolk’s own vigilante hero may have benefited from a secret identity when the fuzz came knocking on his door.
Now we come to what is arguably a sub category of the Vigilante, the Super Enhanced Hero is probably the most attainable for you or I. Whilst some of the more privileged heroes like Tony Stark rely on high I.Qs and even higher trust funds the rest of us are left with few options in this credit crunch, however, you do have alternatives. If like me your desire for super skills outweighs your moral fibre then get in touch with your local council and see if you can’t get your hands on some kind of secret government formula. Granted you’ll probably be fobbed off with a hypodermic full of excess Tamiflu but as we know from paragraph three you never know what might happen. Of course the down side of becoming a government forged super-soldier is that you’ll spend the rest of your life affiliated with a malevolent and often corrupt organisation.
Real Life Example: Barack Obama
– It doesn’t matter how good the suit is. The real power comes from the man wearing it.
Be Part Of An Ancient Dynasty Of Super Beings
This next category is well and truly out of your control. Next time your folks are rowing about who was the last person to change the Hoover bag ask yourself this one question. “What is the likely hood I am part of an ancient dynasty of super beings?” If that seems far fetched fear not, there’s still the possibility that you may have been adopted. If however there’s a secret room in the basement that can only be unlocked with a mysterious crystal that Dad keeps at the bottom of his sock draw then you may still be in luck. The likes of Clarke Kent, Donald Blake and Arthur Curry were all the wrong side of puberty when they discovered their true genealogy, a genealogy that bestowed upon them super strength, a hammer and the ability to swim real fast.
Real Life Example: Kal-El Coppola Cage
– a mental but fitting name for a kid whose family tree boasts heros like Nick Cage, Jason Scwartzman, Sofia Coppola, Thomas Mars, Roman Coppola, Talia Shire and of course Francis Ford Coppola.
The Grateful Dead
The final category is probably the most final of all. The Grateful Dead are a select niche of heroes who ironically have to die in order to find their reason for living. Needless to say these heroes tend to be motivated by revenge leading to a dark and ultimately unfulfilling existence. I must warn you though, simply leaping off a nearby precipice will not suffice. The demise of these heroes tend to air on the side of fucked up. Bullets to the brain, evisceration and dismemberment are all fairly typical accouterments. On top of which there’s no real guarantee that there’ll be a handy crow with the power to resurrect the dead flying by just at the right moment. Chances are they’ll just peck aimlessly at your eyeball instead. Whilst the likes of Al Simmons and Boston Brand have all benefited from some kind of resurrection they are forever changed from their brushes with death. As well as changes in appearance, delusions of immortality seem to add a ‘smuggish’ quality to their personality which some can find annoying.
Real Life Example: Richard Hammond
– Since Hammonds well publicised accident he has returned to our world and brought Total Wipeout with him. Hero.
So there you have it. Becoming a hero is not as easy as you may think. It often leads to misery, financial ruin and underlying health issues so it’s a bit like asbestos removal in that sense. If money is what you crave then you may be better suited to a career in super villainy and if all you want to do is get some lady action you’re probably better off with an exotic bunch of flowers. And you never know, there might just be a radio-active, tropical spider hiding in that bunch.