While The Oscars had Neil Patrick Harris dancing with lots of go-go boys and girls to open it’s festivities, with The Onnies it’s just me typing away in my pants, occasionally doing a little jig.
You also won’t find any ageing comedians taking tame potshots at the assembled masses (although their ‘Jewhunter finds the Motherload’ joke was pretty damn good) but I am allowed to swear whenever I like.
So without further fucking ado…The winners of the First Annual Onnies (as voted for by the readers and writers of This Film Is On) are…
Worst Film
Let’s kick off with the cynical one, the Razzie of the Onnies, where people’s only crime is to have tried to make a film and all we do is come along and shit on it. Except in this case no-one really tried at all. They just took the money and ran, yeah the winner is…
Transformers 2 (35%)
Lesbian Vampire Killers (31%)
GI Joe (20%)
The Spirit (7%)
Harry Brown (6%)
Yeah I’d have liked to see more attacking of Harry Brown but as many people much wiser than me have pointed out, the film isn’t badly made it just has a horrifically questionable moral theme that upsets my tender outlook on life. Kinda like Transformers 2.
Best Supporting Actor
To misquote the Mac, it’s a landslide. With Oscars, Bafta’s, Cannes awards, Critics prizes and Daz Doorstep Challange wins under his belt Christoph ‘not Christopher’ Waltz, takes home an Onnie. Congrats Christoph.
Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds (56%)
Peter Capaldi, In the Loop(19%)
Zach Galifinakis, The Hangover (15%)
Jackie Earle Haley, Watchmen (8%)
Fred Melamed, A Serious Man (2%)
A little unhappy about the amount of love for Fred but then A Serious Man had a very limited release. Quantity of release may also account for Zach’s fine faring which makes Capaldi’s sweary Tucker’s second place all the more impressive. F, star, star, Cunt indeed.
Best Supporting Actress
A much closer affair here. With no Mo’Nique (remember it’s UK 2009 releases only people) to grab the favourite place and a selection of picks from films not exactly overly praised come awards season the winner by a nose was…
Marion Cotillard, Public Enemies (33%)
Chloe Moretz, (500) Days Of Summer (24%)
Evan Rachel Wood, The Wrestler (23%)
Samantha Morton, Synechdoche, New York (14%)
Michelle Williams, Synechdoche, New York (5%)
Say what you like about the Depp and Bale gangster (non)epic, Marion was by far and away the standout. My original review was spent doing nothing but gushing about the European face and talent. As for lil’ Chloe, a fine show and one that will no doubt be eclipsed by Kick Ass, due out this month. She even says cunt…
Best Screenplay (Original and Adapted)
For a wannabe screenwriter I’ve shown a fair amount of disrepect banging these two categories together but it’s cold at the window I type at and I’m incredibly lazy. But in doing so I’ve created an uber category that exemplifies everything awesome about movies and the first shock result as the winner is…
In The Loop, Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci (26%)
Inglorious Basterds Quentin Tarantino (22%)
Moon Duncan Jones & Nathan Parker (21%)
(500) Days Of Summer Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber (20%)
Up Bob Peterson & Pete Docter (13%)
I can’t say I’m not a little upset that (500) Days didn’t grab the top spot but that’s what you get with a democracy. As for Quentin he’ll just have to send the Christoph after Armando, with a nose that big he must be.
Best Director
Just as the tears are rolling down QT pie’s face he grip back onto the arms of his chair waiting, hoping, “Please”, he begs, “Let me win an Onnie. From my days working as a video store attendent, (did I tell you all I worked as a video store attendant?) It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Well Quentin, your dream has come true…
Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds (57%)
Thomas Alfredson, Let The Right One In (14%)
Marc Webb, (500) Days Of Summer (14%)
Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino (10%)
David Fincher, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (5%)
Sorry Mr.Webb I could have tried to fix it for you Jim style, but you never read my script even after I gave you pasta (true story, dear reader). As for Thomas, maybe more people would have voted fo you if I spelt your name right on the voting slip. Whoops.
Best Actress
Christ this is almost as long as a proper awards cermony. Anyway with Natalie Portman not having a movie out this poll was able to go out with any hint of biased or fraud. And the Onnie goes to…
Carey Mulligan, An Education (38%)
Lina Leandersson, Let The Right One In (23%)
Zoe Saldana, Avatar (22%)
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married (12%)
Maya Rudolph, Away We Go (4%)
Quite frankly I’m a little baffled as to why I didn’t completely unjustly put Zooey in this category. Nevermind there’s also next year. Oh and Carey just give us a call and I’ll pop the award round. Although you may want to check the original Onnie piece to see what the Onnie is made of before you accept it.
Best Actor
I know I really adored Away We Go but was that any reason to leave out Sean Penn for Milk. No, no it wasn’t. Apologies Sean. But the worthy winner is who I’d like to play Phil Ochs in the biopic I’m writing and as you’re a fan of Mr. Ochs music hopefully this is just the publicity Sam Rockwell needs. Oh yeah, Sam Rockwell won.
Sam Rockwell Moon(30%)
Mickey Rourke The Wrestler (27%)
Sharlto Copley District 9 (23%)
Jeremy Renner The Hurt Locker (15%)
John Krasinski Away We Go (4%)
Poor old Mickey, pipped again. But as the chances of him filming and sending me an awesome acceptance speech are slim (what with his Iron Man 2 duties) the people spaketh. Only just though. Take solace in being the second best actor of the year 2009. That’s still pretty good Mickey? Mickey?! Come back Mickey!
Best Picture
Wow I’m almost falling asleep again. Even my own Awards ceremony is starting to wear me down. So in true, we’re almost there fashion, let’s rush through the last one, the big one, The Big On! It’s…
Inglorious Basterds (34%)
(500) Days Of Summer (22%)
Let The Right One In (20%)
Up (15%)
Gran Torino (9%)
Well, that’s it for another year. Just time for me to personally thank Obama for his daily phonecalls of support, Jeremy Kyle for setting the standards of decency in this world and finally me for hosting the best awards ever.
Until Next Year!!!!
