It´s a fairly well documented fact that most of the developed world believes a large proportion of Americans have their heads firmly stuck up their own ‘ass’. Not a month goes by without hearing some bizarre but neverthenevertheless believable fact or statistic about American stupidity. “93% of Americans don’t own passports”, “20% of Americans can´t locate the US on a world map”, “72% of Americans unable to tell arse from elbow in consumer taste test”…the list goes on.
This isn’t just my habitual xenophobia speaking I have many American friends and I don’t count them in these inexplicable statistics and neither do they. In fact some of them have taken to telling people they hail from USA (pronounced OOSAR) in an attempt to separate themselves from the country that voted Jesus as the 3rd greatest American.
There is no better example of American insanity than their legal system which seems to reward the dangerously clumsy. A legal system built to make money from just about anyone who has it is and is now celebrated by the Stella Awards. The Stella Awards are made up of the most outrageous lawsuits filed in American courts each year. Named after Stella Liebeck the woman who in 1992 successfully sued McDonalds for providing her with hot coffee which she then threw on herself, attempting the worlds shittest re-creation of the Rage Against the Machine debut album cover. She was awarded $2.9 million for her inability to use her opposable thumb a skill which has been used by primates for 47 million years.
In some ways the Stella awards have become the anti Darwin awards. While Darwin awards are awarded to those people whose incomprehensible retardation has led them to death or at least denied them the ability to procreate the Stella awards are awarded to those people whose monumental thickness has actually improved their life thus increasing the chance of the moron gene being handed down to another generation.
A contender for the Stella Award Hollywood category (if such a thing exists) this year must be the proposed lawsuit by Brittany Murphy widower and otherwise good for nothing Simon Monjack. Monjack is an overweight English ‘producer’ who’s greatest work to date is the B-movie Two days Nine Lives (2000). He’s recently hinted that he is going to take legal action against Warner Brothers for ‘wrongful-death’ due to them allegedly firing Murphy from the epic blockbuster Happy Feet 2. There’s so much wrong with this situation it makes me what to pull my teeth out just so I have more room in my mouth to scream louder.
First of all this fat useless fuck shouldn’t be counting the ways he can make money by trampolining on his wife’s corpse, he should be counting his lucky stars that someone as talentless and visually unappealing is even allowed within 50 feet of ‘celebrities’.
Secondly, if someone is so unstable and emotionally precarious that they suffer a heart attack due to a sequel about dancing fucking penguins, it seems to me that those in a position of emotional responsibility should be held more accountable than a studio whose job it is to employ actors not support them through emotional stress.
Thirdly and possibly most disturbing of all Monjack’s current project, other than greasing his own porky little fingers, is called ‘Shrinking Charlotte’. A ‘comedy’ about people who stalk women in therapy in order to learn about love! Be still my quivering anus.
On top of all this Monjack is himself no stranger to the defendant’s view of the courtroom. 2005 saw him on trial in Virginia for credit card fraud. In 2006 Monjack was successfully sued and evicted from four homes by the Royal Bank of Scotland subsidiary Coutts and in 2009 he spent 9 days in jail due to his American visa running out.
Even his involvement in Factory Girl (2006) is in serious doubt, the film’s director George Hickenlooper has recently said:
“Simon Monjack had nothing to do with Factory Girl…….. He filed a frivolous lawsuit against us. . . making bogus claims that we had stolen his script. He held us literally to hostage and we were forced to settle with him as he held our production over a barrel.”
Whether or not the law suit against WB will stand remains to be seen but only in a city as far removed from planet earth as Hollywood could this even be considered. I would at least hope that courts in the civilised world would reward this talentless parasite with a punch in the cock and a one way ticket back to LAla Land.
Here’s a small collection of other legal bullshit to fall from the diuretic anus of Hollywood’s ‘justice’ system.
1996- Patty Ann Byers’ family attempted to sue Oliver Stone and Warner Brothers because the film Natural Born Killers (1994) had caused Sarah Edmonson and Benjamin Darrus to shoot the woman during a robbery. The case against WB and Stone was eventually dropped in 2001.
2000 – Cleanthi Peters sued Universal Studios for causing her ‘emotional distress’ after visiting Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights haunted house, because she said it was too scary. She was awarded $15,000.
2001 – Family members of victims of the Columbine Massacre attempted to sue movie and video game companies for $5 billion dollars. They claimed that films such as The Basketball Diaries (1995) and games like Mortal Kombat were to blame for the killings.
2005 – Austin Aitken attempted to sue NBC for $2.5 Million because watching contestants eat rats on the TV show ‘Fear Factor’ had caused him “suffering, injury and great pain”. He claimed that the images had made him vomit and then while dizzy run into a doorway.
For more court room lunacy check out:
www.stellaawards.com
