During the World Premiere of ‘Armaggeddon’ a large selection of the press began tittering away at the preposterousness of Bruce and chums drilling into asteroids in order to save mankind. Bruce sarcastically replied, “I’m glad you all found the end of the world so funny”.
If ‘Armageddon’ seemed snigger-some, then ’2012′ is a full-blown chuckle fest. Not since ‘Dr. Strangelove’ has mankind’s demise been quite so humourous.
Assorted scientists from India and the UK (just to show that director Roland Emmerich has a map) discover that due to large solar flares filling our world with neutrinos (not the band) we’re all going to die. This is handy for John Cusack as he’s been quite a lousy father and husband but now he has the chance to prove he loves his family by saving them. It’s also an opportunity for Chief Scientist Type Person Chiwetel Ejiofor to boff the President’s daughter (Thandie Newton). So not all doom and gloom then!
And that’s about all you get for plot as the world crumbles before our very eyes. Other characters are introduced, like Woody Harrelson’s doomsayer and some horrifically caricatured (to the point of racism) Russians, but all are quickly despatched in ways that make the ‘Final Destination’ series look subtle.
Buildings and landmarks ironically fall on their patrons (like the Vatican collapsing on religious sorts deep in prayer, or the USS John F. Kennedy flattening the White House) whilst Johnny Boy Cusack and his family fly through the air in everything from a limousine to a caravan narrowly avoiding death because, well, because he’s our hero.
Half of the film is scenes of devastation that soon become tiresome and the other half is hilarious ‘I never got to say goodbye’ twaddle from characters we’ve met for two seconds. I say hilarious, but how intentional this hilarity is supposed to be is open to opinion.
But I have to have faith in humanity and pray to every God on this planet and the next that all involved knew they were making a movie so shockingly bad its sole purpose was to raise a hearty laugh.
Because if they were being serious, even for a second, then I’ll single-handedly kill every single person on earth because humankind really doesn’t deserve to live in a world where such an awful, awful song can be played over the end credits of a movie in an attempt to stir emotion…