Sherlock Holmes

Madonna is the cause of 90% of homosexuality. Discuss. (If only college essays were like this.)

To begin with she’s the number one gay icon, surpassing even Miss Judy Garland. Her brother Christopher is homosexual. Recently her first husband won an Oscar for playing gay icon Harvey Milk. Lastly, the irrefutable, icing on the cake to my completely made-up and bullshit (please don’t write in and complain) argument, her latest ex-husband has made the gayest film since Brokeback Mountain.

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And I for one say Hoo-bloody-ray. The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Top Gun, all as homoerotic as the day is long and all the better for it.

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Top Five New Years Eve Scenes

5) Poseidon

1972’s The Poseidon Adventure is right up there with some of my all time favourite films. However, for the sake of this poll, charting the greatest New Years Eve scenes in movie history I have, after much deliberation, plumped for Wolfgang Peterson’s 2006 bastardisation Poseidon.

Why? Because, the remake does in fact contain the single greatest example of the power of the hive mind. As midnight encroaches on the revellers of the ill-fated ship,  Fergie, the female quarter of the Black Eyed Peas, takes to the stage for a typically self indulgent rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

Doomed Fergie
 
The pop star warbles her way through the song whilst the party goers silently pray for the sweet release of death. Thankfully, their prayers are answered in the form of a giant tidal wave which slams into the boat. As good as the original film is, nothing will quite match the satisfaction of seeing Fergalicious getting swept clean off the stage.

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Avatar

Let’s get one thing straight before we carry on. Avatar is not the future of cinema. Nor is it the re-invention of cinema, the re-birth of cinema or the re-imagining of cinema. Cinema has, and always will be, stories told with moving images. Once it becomes something else it will cease to be cinema. Simple.

avatar

After dismissing the ridiculously great expectations that’s not to say that Avatar isn’t stepping up the game for a certain type of movie-going experience. The blockbuster will, as long as the dollars and cents roll in, never look the same again.

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Christmas Films For Every Mood – #2 Gremlins

After the hugs and fun and burps of Elf in Part 1 of ‘Christmas Films For Every Mood’ it’s time to get a little darker and dirtier with a movie that puts the Claws in Santa.

Urgh, I can’t belive I just wrote that. I feel dirty. Like those pictures of Father Christmas I’ve seen on the internet where he gives out presents to naked women. Dare I make a bulging sack joke? No, I want my presents this year.

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And we all know Santa doesn’t visit writers that make really, really, shit inneundos.

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Christmas Films For Every Mood – #1 Elf

“Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la”.
“Tisn’t”
“Tis”
“Tisn’t!”
“Tis!”
“Tisn’t!!!”
“Tis times infinity…Face!”

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Whatever your views on the yuletide season, whether you’re merrily enjoying Christmas, happily celebrating Hanukkah or kicking back to Karenga’s joyous Kwanzaa, the one thing we can all do as people of this fair Earth is sit down and watch Bruce Willis kill some thieves (not terrorists).

So please join me on a day-by-day journey of films, for all occasions, but with that over-riding theme of featuring at least one Santa hat, some baubles and a good old fashioned singsong. And Zooey Deschanel in an elf outfit. Thanks Jesus!

continued…

The ‘New’ Christmas Film
Elf
It’s hard to make a new Christmas hit to fit with all the certified ‘Holiday Classics’ but with a smattering of smut and a big dollop of cheese, Jon Favreau managed it.

Will Ferrell’s particular schtick of ‘grown-up baby’ may have some removing the turkey from the oven and replacing it with their heads (make sure its gas first kids!) but this is one example of it working perfectly.

Enthusing the whole piece with a ‘fuck cynicism’ edge, Ferrell is quite simply wonderful as the Man/Boy/Elf not knowing how to cope with the Big Bad Apple. The fish out of water premise may have been done a million times before but writer David Berenbaum wrings every bit of fun he can out of the set-up.

Most importantly for a Manic Pixie Dream Girl obsessive like myself it features the wonderful Zooey Deschanel as an actual Manic, er, Elf Dream Girl. Sadly she’s turned in the raven locks for blonde, but boy that elf costume does something to me.

As a superfluous bonus it features Zooey singing! For those of you that haven’t discovered ‘She and Him’ the band that Ms. Deschanel and M. Ward formed a while back, Volume One is out in the shops now with Volume Two on it’s way. Happy Tidings indeed.

The Box

Not since Guy Ritchie’s Snatch and Jodie Foster’s forthcoming Beaver have I laughed so hard at a title for so long. “Who fancies watching Cameron Diaz’s Box?”, “Yeah I wonder what’s in her Box”, “I wonder if she’ll open up her Box”. Ha ha, LOL, ROFL, whoops I’ve just peed my pants.

Fuck you! You grow up!

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Sadly Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly’s latest doesn’t have a lot in it that will dissuade you from giggling like a schoolkid.

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The Descent: Part Two

Recently I’ve been having a recurring daydream that I go on ‘The X Factor’ and belt out a standing ovation-worthy rendition of Nina Simone’s ‘Love Me Or Leave Me’ that’s so impressive Simon Cowell offers me £1,000,000 on the spot.

Instead of accepting I launch into a tirade against the corruption of consumerism and how reality shows are stopping the true progress of music and blah blah, whingey, pretentious balls. The audience, instead of booing, simply get up and leave the studio, the viewers at home switch off and all the wannabe contestants go out and make new, original music. I return to my day job.

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Why mention this in a film review? Glad you asked. Because as shallow and manipulative as the ‘pop music’ industry is, the film industry can be just as bad. Perfect example, this ‘cover version’ of The Descent.

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In Praise Of… James Stewart

Woohoo! It’s December! That means everybody is legally allowed to start getting excited about Christmas. Which, for me, means I get to start watching Christmas films!

jim2

But mainly it means I get to celebrate our lord and saviour, without whom Christmas would just be some gaudy, consumerist, hell-hole, devoid of taste and substance. That’s right, I get to watch ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ with James Stewart. (Not ‘with’ him as he’s very dead as you’ll find out in a minute).

So follow me on a trip called ‘Reasons why I love Jimmy…’

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A Decade In Films – Why ‘Wall-E’ Was The Best Movie Of 2008

So 2008, the year this whole ‘trying to be funny and opinionated about movies’ thing kicked off. A fellow projectionist asked me if he thought I could watch all the movies released in our 14 screen multiplex. I, quite foolishly, said yes and set about watching and reviewing each one. You can find them all here at Confessions Of A Projectionist. All 189 of them.

joker

But as you can’t be arsed to read all that here’s a rundown of the good, the bad and the downright loveable.

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Paranormal Activity

To think that 10 years ago, before everyone even knew about The Strokes’ song ‘Crazy In Love’ being the best thing ever and before Tony Blair accepted George Bush’s Facebook group request of “Let’s nuke Saddamn LOL”, some idiots grabbed a camera, waved it about a bit and made the most profitable movie of all time.

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It looks like someone has paid attention to history a little better than me, because believe it or not, ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the next ‘Blair Witch Project’. Just with less snotty noses.

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