ThisFilmIsOn

I really like the fact that I’m from Wales. So much so that I tell everyone I meet almost immediately that I’m Welsh. The thing is though I’m not, Welsh that is. (My grandfather was Welsh so its not a total lie but I’m really quite English.) I think its the annoying overly humble thing again where I want to be forgotten about so I can’t get blamed for bad things like occupying countries and taxation. No, to keep me from guilt give me the land of cheese on toast, male voice choirs and Dylan Thomas. None of those things ever upset anyone did they?

Well Dylan Thomas certainly bloody did. He was a huge arsehole. A monumental prick. A 5 star dickhead. According to The Edge of Love anyway. But in it Dul-an isn’t really the main character and its certainly not a biopic of his life. Instead the film revolves around four people, Dylan himself (Matthew Rhys), his wife Caitlin (Sienna Miller), his one time lover Vera (Keira Knightley) and her husband William (Cillian Murphy) all dealing with sexual tension, WWII and enough booze and fags to put down George Best.

If you’ve recently quit smoking (you’re a pussy, smoking is cool!) steer well clear of this film as all they do is smoke, smoke, smoke. They also drink and fuck. Which seems to be the story. Four friends shag and party then it all goes a bit wrong when William comes back from the army all mental and shit. But maybe its more to do with the two girls friendship rather than the incident with the machine gun? Or maybe it is about Dylan and his genius and arrogance? Or its an Atonement carbon copy, the story of a wife pining for her soldier to return?

This lack of coherence certainly doesn’t make it a bad film (coherency is not something that I desperately need in a film) but it may stop it being a great film. That and Keira. I’m not gonna bash Ms. Kinghtly and her massive chin, I think she’s good some of the time but never anything more than good. My fear is that her ‘great actress’ status is gonna end up ruining a lot of potentially awesome movies because people think she can hold a screen. She can’t. Neither can Sienna but she’s certainly shot up in my estimations. If she keeps out of the papers for long enough I may even grow to like her. For now though I’m off for a smoke, bach.

When you’ve directed probably the most well loved movie of all time (according to IMdb The Shawshank Redemption is number 2 at the moment) yet still remain a fairly unknown name you’ve gotta be a little peeved. So Frank Darabont, quite rightly, has gone back to the teet of Stephen King to perhaps raise his profile. While the film is in no way up there with Tim Robbins bustin’ out of prison its still an intelligent, scary and well crafted film.

When a storm hits Maine, (its a King adaptation, where the hell else would it be set?) David Drayton, an artist (its a King adaptation, he should be a writer Godammit!) heads on over to the local supermarket with his son and neighbour. Whilst shopping a petrified local comes running in telling them to barricade the doors, for there is something in the mist. Fuck yeah there is! Spiders, winged insects the size of your head and cockroaches bigger than my balls (seriously I’m backed up). Worse than that though, our heroes are stuck in the supermarket with a Christian who won’t shut up.

This ends up being worse than the beasties outside as Christians who won’t shut up are really, really annoying and dangerous (see the American Government for more details). But these Christians prove to be the strongest part of the film as the interplay between the two human groups (normal folk Vs religious types) shits all over the scenes where the humans interact with the decidedly ropey CGI. The human scenes are also fun because you get to play “I know him, I do.” See if you can spot Capote, Death (from Bill and Ted) and that chick from The X-Files. Lose marks for thinking Andre Braugher is Bunny Colvin from The Wire and for thinking Thomas Jane is Christopher Lambert sans mullet.

This game will only pass some of the time so thankfully there is a lot more generally good filmmaking going on. The sense of what America really is seems to have been well captured within the confines of your local 7-11 i.e most people are decent, ‘lets help each other and use our brains’ type folk, the others being easy lead simpletons who panic at the first mention of fear. But more than just an indictment of that place that eats Hot Dogs, The Mist has to be one of the bleakest summer movies I’ve ever seen. The message from Shawshank that “Hope can set you free” is one that main character David Drayton should have probably held on to.

If you watched a seminal sci-fi movie in 1999 (and no I don’t mean The Phantom Menace) then certain bits of Wanted will be strikingly familiar. Take the premise of a dull office drone wanting a new more exciting life because he’s convinced he has a calling. Then have him mentored by a wise, cool black guy and team him up with a spunky, kick ass female. Give them all super-human powers, throw in enough ‘up to the minute’ special effects and a fetish for guns that makes Charlton Heston look like Bambi and you may find yourself quoting Neo. “Woah, Deja Vu”.

James McAvoy is the Narrator like main character Wesley Gibson whose life is in the shitter. His girlfriend is fucking his best mate, his boss is a fat annoying bully and he keeps having panic attacks. When the Fox (Angelina Jolie) turns up to tell him his father is dead you’d start to really feel sorry for him until he’s told that pops was a super assassin and it runs in the blood. Cut to lots of training as Wes is taught how to stab, shoot and smack anybody in his way. Well anybody that the Loom of Fate decides.

Wow hang on! Did you just say Fruit of the Loom. No i did not. But it would have been almost as ridiculous as the Loooooom of Fateeee. Just keep saying it to yourself, it becomes funnier each time. Loooooooom of Faaaaaaaate. Having what is essentially the main plot device entitled something so gob smackingly hilarious makes the rest of the film quite hard to handle. (Incidentally the Loooom oooof Faaaate is a sewing instrument that tells the assasins who it is they should kill. So its not just a stupid name but a stupid concept too).

Not that its an awful movie, there is fun to be had but only once you take it as a 13 year old wet dream. Morgan takes the money and runs, Angie actually looks pretty when she smiles (not pouting is a good thing Angie) and McAvoy gives the performance of a man under the impression his paycheck will increase by a few million if this is a success. But please, please stop telling the audience how shit we are. “What have you done lately?” poses Wes at the end. Well, while I haven’t been trained as a super assassin I’ve actually had a great week in Somerset, watching music at Glastonbury, soaking up the sun with my friends. So Fuck you Wes.

“And I said what about Breakfast at Tiffanys,
She said I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it,
Well then lets remake it in French with Audrey Tautou”
(I always find direct comparisons of two films the epitome of lazy journalism but how often can you quote Deep Blue Something?)

Audrey Tautou is Irene (what an awful name, apologies to anyone called Irene) a hooker in all but name. She sleeps with rich old men so that they buy her sparkly stuff in the hope that one day they will marry her and she can lounge about by swimming pools looking all sexy. Her plan of action is interupted when she mistakes Jean (Gad Elmaleh), a down on his luck waiter, for a rich, young mark. Jean falls for Irene, Irene starts to crumble, cue Moon River.

I could quite happily watch Audrey (either Hepburn or Tautou) for ever and ever and ever. Its rare to find true movie stars that hold the screen and make me coo like a small feathery thing but both girls do it. And while this film is nothing more than a sex farce comedy (if it was made in English it would simply be called Carry On Ho’ing) its one that thanks to Audrey looking stunning it becomes a much more classy affair. The classiness is also helped by the setting and subtitles.

However, your enjoyment of the film may be tainted if you don’t firmly believe that all rich people are bastards and deserve everything they get. It appears if you have wealth then you can be mugged off by anyone and its really all your fault. Which I agree with right now as I haven’t two pennies to rub together. Fuck rich people, fuck em all. Just appreciate the irony that the filmmakers wine and dine in these 5 star hotels and restaurants every night, spitting on the service staff and doing coke off of whores backs. Except Audrey she’s too lovely.

Yay its my 100th Post! That means I’ve spent approximately 200 hours in the cinema, uncomfy seat, lights down, drink in hand. And what a film to celebrate with. A girl that has teeth in her cooch, fangs in her fanny, molars in her minge, incisors in her hairy axe wound, … okay I’ll stop. I remember years ago when I was going through a spell of unwanted celibacy I watched the film Gozu a bizzare Japanese film where during the finale a man literally climbed out of a womans wizards sleeve. This thankfully put me off the idea of hanky panky for quite some time. Now that the unwanted celibacy has returned I’d like to thank the makers of Teeth for making the nights a little easier.

Well you may know the premise but you don’t know the setup and truth be told this is Teeth’s biggest selling point. Dawn, our heroine, is an active member of the Christian chastity group, she is the queen of abstinence. She is also the epitome of moral virtue, she rides a bike to school singing as she goes, she wears jumpers with unicorns knitted on them, she waves to her neighbours and is as polite as can be. But we don’t hate her for this because we know Dawn has a secret. As the poster says, ‘Every rose has its thorns’.

We also don’t hate her because she is played impeccably by Jess Weixler who I really hope is given a shot at something else on the back of this because she is simply outstanding. Her shock at the events happening to her is written all over her face with each facial tick and nuance making us care more and more. While the scenes of ‘action’ will illicit groans and giggles in equal measure its only thanks to Jess that the aftermath is, well, actually quite moving. If you can get past the ‘bitey clam’ there is a lot more weight to this film than you’d think.

But even if you can’t get past the ‘violent vagina’ there is still enough wit within the boundaries of constraints that it is a simple B-movie. Set pieces that will have you laughing despite yourself and boo hiss villains that get whats coming to them. And if you can get through the last 30 minutes without thinking everything in the background resembles something sexual then you’ve done a damn sight better than I did. ‘That looks like a fanny, that looks like a bush…’ Oh, and for those that say the greatest gift a woman has it that of childbirth, I’d argue that the ability to rip a mans cock off when he’s at his most happy, would probably pip that.

Amir, Chaka, The Wrath of, or Genghis? Its hard to say who was the best. The commonwealth lightweight champion would give the best Star Trek film a run for its money in the fight stakes but I think that Grammy Award winning Chaka could take him down with a rousing rendition of I’m Every Woman. When it comes down to it though the main Khan, the king of Khans, Genghis K is gonna take it.

Mongol is the story of Genghis Khan (good job too or that opening paragraph would have been worth less than a shit), or more fittingly the story of the rise of Genghis Khan or Temujin as he was known to his buddies. Its almost like a Genghis: The Early Years film as we watch him become the man of legend, from his fathers mentoring, to his choosing of a wife to a whole host of nasty things that befall him moulding him into the ass kicking, warlord, Bill and Ted befriending mother flipper we all know and love.

And boy did he go through some moulding. His dad gets betrayed and poisoned, he gets placed in stocks twice, his wife is stolen, he’s roundly and savagely beaten a number of times, then forced to become a slave where he is caged for years on end. If the film is trying to say a man becomes a product of his environment then its no wonder Temujin grew up a little miffed. Actor, Tadanobu Asano plays him with an amazing degree of humility considering what he goes through and in doing so he carries the film well. Standout scenes are the ones involving him and his ‘brother’.

While at times it feels a little Hollywoodised, shades of Gladiator and Alexander creep into the score and the look, its a feral beast of a movie with the blood letting some of the best seen in eons. It doesn’t overly sugarcoat the nasty bits either (there being a good chance that Temujin’s kids aren’t sired from the man himself, are the years of torture driving him insane) and that Far Eastern value of honour and integrity keep the film trucking along until his rise to power is assured. And that is where we leave him, and so for once a sequel would be more than welcomed.